Ghostrider

Ghostrider is based on the comic book that’s called Gostrider too. I had the first issue of Ghostrider when I was 13 on Marvel comics but I heard it was worth 30 dollars so I tried to sell it to this dude but he said it was #1 of Volume 2 and not the original. That sucked. This movie sucks too. Nicholas Cage really bums me out the way he talks and points at people all the time. Basically the story goes that he and his dad are these white trash motorcycle guys, but the dad gets cancer from cigarettes and so Nicholas Cage has to sell his soul to Peter Fonda. I wonder if Peter Fonda read this script and was all like “This movie sucks shit, have David Carradine do it” and then his agent was like “Dude they have motorcycles in the movie” and then Fonda was like “Fuck, ok”
Anyway after he sells his soul he is supposed to get this contract for the Devil but instead he just drives around fighting dudes and staring at them and pointing until they die. It’s not as cool as it sounds. One time when he’s on the bike he drives off a bridge and starts cruising on the water flipping off the cops. Again I’m totally making this sounds way cooler then it is. Sam Elliot from Roadhouse shows up and plays the same character he did in Roadhouse where he keeps referring to Nicholas Cage who is like a million as “Kid.” In Roadhouse he called Patrick Swayze “Mijo” the whole time which means the same thing in Mexican. Anyway staring and pointing is a stupid way to kill somebody and there are no boobs and the motorcycle riding is all CGI stuff. The monsters are fucking totally weak too. They’re supposed to be elements so there is a dirt guy and a water guy and a wind guy, but the wind and dirt guy are just the same swirling dirt shit whenever they go anywhere. Plus the way they die is such a bummer cause it’s like kicking a pile dirt. Like I can do that and it’s not fucking scary! Sometimes I think it would be really hard to make a movie cause you gotta know about cameras and angles and so I don’t understand why these guys that figured out all the hard stuff can’t make some cool guts squirt out anywhere? I put that image at the top cause if they made the movie about this guy and his friends kicking ass and terrorizing squares that would be really wicked. My roommate Matt was super bummed at Ghostrider and he likes comics a lot. We didn’t have any weed that day so I don’t know why we went in the first place.

300

The 300 is this new movie about old times where Leonidas, who is the
King of Sparta has this really hot wife and they rule Greece together.
The Spartan boys are trained at a very young age to not show any signs
of like "fear" or "emotion" but they still have long hair and muscles
so that they can score with chicks. Too bad the hottest chicks in
Sparta get sent off to these weird "mystics" who look like MumRa from
Thundercats. These super hot chicks become sex slaves for these gross
guys. That part kind of bummed me out. Anyway there's this one Persian
leader guy named Xerxes who is trying to take over the world back
then. I think he is gay, but back then they didn't call it that. They
just said that he liked jewelry and had a lot of parties. Anyway
everyone else in Greece pusses out cause they're philosophers or
boy-touchers, so the Spartans decide they're going to take on Xerxes.
Then Xerxes summons the largest army the world has ever seen. So
Leonidas hand picks 300 men to battle the Persians and they go to the
ocean to meet them. The water is really rough and there are these
really wicked rocks with boats crashing everywhere and thousands of
Persians are dieing and there is some seriously sweet guitars in this
part just fucking riffing as these dudes drown. But, they got like a
million more dudes so it's not that big a deal. The next day when
everyone wakes up the Persians give the Spartans one last chance to
surrender but they're like "No way" and they start fighting. This part
rules cause it's like 3 days of dudes just getting laid to waste and
there are cool monster guys and a big dude and a rhinoceros that looks
cool but doesn't kick that much ass. My favorite dude was this really
fat dude with swords for his hands. You could tell he was totally high
the whole time. Anyway I don't want to ruin it even though this is
sort of a true movie but the point is that 300 Spartans fought against
1 million other dudes. That's why Spartans rock hard.

Seraphim Falls

This movie is really sweet if you like Deadwood or any kind of old western movies. There are a lot of movies that are just about dudes shooting guns at each other. That is probably my favorite genre of movies besides Muscle Car. Seraphim Falls is set in post Civil War era United States of Kick Your Ass, back when dudes would shoot the shit out of you if you stole their horse. Pierce Brosnon did some fucked up shit back when he was a General for the Union so now he has to spend all day running away from Liam Nieson for like ever. The cinematography in Seraphim Falls is really amazing and makes me miss driving around Montana. This movie was shot in California. I’m really into the chasing parts and the thing that makes this movie so cool is how much running there is. I also got a total Spaghetti Western vibe from it too especially at the end where the two wounded and tired guys have their final showdown. This part only sucks cause Angelica Huston shows up for like a minute and sells them some bullets. That would never really happen so when I saw it in the theater I was like “Fuck this!” and this dude next to me explained that her character was more of a metaphor then anything else. It still bummed me out. The rest was super sweet.