Friday, March 23, 2007


I was having trouble with my tummy so I went to the health food store to get some acidophilus but I bought some “Smooth Move” laxative tea and some psyllium husks while I was there, the psyllium husk is supposed to make big turds soft ones that don’t hurt you. Anyway I got home from the bar and I took them both at the same time cause I was trying to start over body-wise. I felt kinda cool the next day but I wasn’t pooping so I went and got some coffee and a bran muffin and then things started to happen. I like pooping at work cause it reminds me of my old roommate Owen cause he had a song in his band about pooping at work called “Paid to Poo.” When the boss ain’t lookin/you know what to do/go take a shit/get paid to poo…Anyway I was taking a dump and it was kinda of like hard at first but then I thought the smooth move kicked in and I was all like “Goodbye my fellow travelers!” and there were a lot of them! I felt really cool and after that I was walking around smiling and stuff but then I went to lunch and ate a salad with some eggs and immediately I had bad tummy pains and bloating so I went back to the bathroom and there was some dude in there so I was thinking all quietly like “Sorry buddy” and this time it was like soft serve but instead of the real kind it was all burny. It hurt a lot. This happened 4 more times before I got to the Paramount Lot to see Marky Mark killing dudes. I also noticed that I was the only white dude in the theater, the rest were black couples like 13 people but it seemed like it wasn’t on purpose. I thought maybe it was a Danny Glover fan club cause he’s in Shooter too. Shooter is about this sniper guy (Marky Mark) who gets set up by the Govt. to assassinate the president but it all goes wrong and he has to go on the run. He has a sweet ponytail at first when he lives in the mountains and a dog that gets beer out of the fridge! I was thinking that dog would be really cool around my place if I had a gun cause I could concentrate on my shooting and that dog would just keep bringing me cold Budweiser. Anyway a bunch of the story happens and he hooks up with this chick who was married to a dead friend of his from the army and I was getting super bummed out here cause nothing was blowing up and my tummy was hurting and all the black people looked bored too. Then it got cool. He meets up with this one FBI agent that doesn’t think he’s a bad guy and they go to Wal-Mart and buy a bunch of spray paint and bullets and gun powder and stuff to make pipe bombs and they go to find the bad guys. I liked the use of home made napalm when they were killing the bodyguards cause they blew in to the air and were simultaneously on fire and then when they fell down they were still burning and screaming and still on fire cause it sticks on your body! That was sweet! There is a good amount of times where someone gets shot in the head that I also enjoyed. After Marky Mark saves everything he goes back to kill the mastermind who is Ned Beatty. Ned Beatty should have told him about getting raped in that one movie cause I would forgive him here cause he looks even more like a pig now and if those same dudes were around they would want him naked around them.

****Spoiler Alert***

Ned Beatty says “Marky Mark, you can’t kill me I’m a Senator,” and then Marky Mark says “Exactly” and shoots him in the head. I’ve noticed a lot of Anti-American sentiment in film and art lately and it bums me out. This war is a bummer but even I know that, so stop having Marky Mark tell me about my feelings. I want to see a burned up dude and maybe a sweet tank run over some guys but just in the movies, in my real life I just want a friendly and real (not a robot kind) dog to bring beers over. Also I just thought of something. If any of my fellow movie critics want to refer to him as “Marksmen Mark” while reviewing this film feel free to do so. That one’s on me.

Monday, March 19, 2007

The Host

The Host is about this Korean guy who is really lazy and works in a snack shop at the beach. Somehow he managed to get laid one time cause he has a daughter. Anyway he’s drinking beer and watching his sister on the TV cause she’s in the Olympics or something. He gives his daughter some beer. I laughed at that part cause I’ve had Hite before so I know what that kid was going through. Anyway so this dude…. Actually now that I think of it he dresses just like the original “Dude” from Big Lebowski but the reason I’m calling this guy “Dude” is cause this movie is in Korean and I can’t remember any of the fucking names. They don’t sound the way it’s spelled on the subtitles. So the Korean dude is going down to the water to deliver some more beers and food when he sees this giant fucking Chudfish swimming towards the shore. Everyone starts throwing food at it cause it looks kinda funny. It’s not really funny all the time though cause it starts chomping dudes and whipping people with it’s tail and smashing shit. It’s kinda like a Godzilla but with a mutant fish body. It looks like a Coelacanth (pictured here)

I like how that kid is all like “You better hurry up and take my damn picture with this crazy ass fish!” It was pretty cool when the Chudfish was running around smashing dudes but it’s really hard to be scared of a CGI fish when there’s stuff in real life that kills people all the time like ball cancer or anus or wang cancer. That would fucking suck to only have one nard. So then the Chudfish grabs the dudes daughter and jumps into the sewer. I was thinking how lame cell phones are cause sometimes if you see a number and you don’t recognize it you’re all like “maybe it’s that cool chick who smoked me out at Steve’s house” but when you answer it’s always Household Bank saying you owe them money. But the cell phone here is a helper cause this chick is able to call from the sewer where she lives with all these dead people and poop and stuff. There’s this whole other crap part about a virus that the Chudfish carries and the Korean dude gets quarantined and has to escape to find his daughter. Less of this part would have been cool cause all they show the Chudfish doing whole time is spitting out dead dudes into his lair. I hate it in movies where they spend forever making a fucking monster and then he doesn’t even get to do anything that cool. It’s funny and exciting to see a giant mutant fish chase people on land. Fine you got me there, but if you want to hold my interest why not show the monster like ripping people in half with guts shooting out all over or really get in there when it’s eating some cool brains or maybe out of nowhere it just rapes a dude.
Just so you know the reason this all happened was cause these American scientists poured a bunch of formaldehyde in the water. So to destroy the Chudfish the U.S. army comes in at the end with this gas that’s supposed to kill everything. There’s some message about the U.S. being dumb for creating evil and getting rid of it with even more evil methods. I just realized that now cause the whole time I was watching the movie I was just hoping that fish would rape somebody.