Friday, March 23, 2007
I was having trouble with my tummy so I went to the health food store to get some acidophilus but I bought some “Smooth Move” laxative tea and some psyllium husks while I was there, the psyllium husk is supposed to make big turds soft ones that don’t hurt you. Anyway I got home from the bar and I took them both at the same time cause I was trying to start over body-wise. I felt kinda cool the next day but I wasn’t pooping so I went and got some coffee and a bran muffin and then things started to happen. I like pooping at work cause it reminds me of my old roommate Owen cause he had a song in his band about pooping at work called “Paid to Poo.” When the boss ain’t lookin/you know what to do/go take a shit/get paid to poo…Anyway I was taking a dump and it was kinda of like hard at first but then I thought the smooth move kicked in and I was all like “Goodbye my fellow travelers!” and there were a lot of them! I felt really cool and after that I was walking around smiling and stuff but then I went to lunch and ate a salad with some eggs and immediately I had bad tummy pains and bloating so I went back to the bathroom and there was some dude in there so I was thinking all quietly like “Sorry buddy” and this time it was like soft serve but instead of the real kind it was all burny. It hurt a lot. This happened 4 more times before I got to the Paramount Lot to see Marky Mark killing dudes. I also noticed that I was the only white dude in the theater, the rest were black couples like 13 people but it seemed like it wasn’t on purpose. I thought maybe it was a Danny Glover fan club cause he’s in Shooter too. Shooter is about this sniper guy (Marky Mark) who gets set up by the Govt. to assassinate the president but it all goes wrong and he has to go on the run. He has a sweet ponytail at first when he lives in the mountains and a dog that gets beer out of the fridge! I was thinking that dog would be really cool around my place if I had a gun cause I could concentrate on my shooting and that dog would just keep bringing me cold Budweiser. Anyway a bunch of the story happens and he hooks up with this chick who was married to a dead friend of his from the army and I was getting super bummed out here cause nothing was blowing up and my tummy was hurting and all the black people looked bored too. Then it got cool. He meets up with this one FBI agent that doesn’t think he’s a bad guy and they go to Wal-Mart and buy a bunch of spray paint and bullets and gun powder and stuff to make pipe bombs and they go to find the bad guys. I liked the use of home made napalm when they were killing the bodyguards cause they blew in to the air and were simultaneously on fire and then when they fell down they were still burning and screaming and still on fire cause it sticks on your body! That was sweet! There is a good amount of times where someone gets shot in the head that I also enjoyed. After Marky Mark saves everything he goes back to kill the mastermind who is Ned Beatty. Ned Beatty should have told him about getting raped in that one movie cause I would forgive him here cause he looks even more like a pig now and if those same dudes were around they would want him naked around them.
Ned Beatty says “Marky Mark, you can’t kill me I’m a Senator,” and then Marky Mark says “Exactly” and shoots him in the head. I’ve noticed a lot of Anti-American sentiment in film and art lately and it bums me out. This war is a bummer but even I know that, so stop having Marky Mark tell me about my feelings. I want to see a burned up dude and maybe a sweet tank run over some guys but just in the movies, in my real life I just want a friendly and real (not a robot kind) dog to bring beers over. Also I just thought of something. If any of my fellow movie critics want to refer to him as “Marksmen Mark” while reviewing this film feel free to do so. That one’s on me.