The Hurt Locker

It's been over two years since my last movie review. Kinda just chilled mostly during that time. Still hanging out now too. I got fired from my last job which ruled cause then I was on unemployment forever because they kept extending it and all cause everyone was broke like the "depression" was happening before. I've been depressed too before but my mom said that if I just worked out at the gym that would ease some of my thoughts running around up there in my brain. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror though when I'm fake running so that didn't work out. I made a sweet mix though to play on my headphones at the gym. It had your usual fitness rockers like BOC and Ted Nugent. It mostly just got played a lot in my Camaro though. I had the same Bumble Bee from the first Transformers. I just realized that this last part could have been confusing. I was depressed a long time ago. Not in the last 2 years. That's mostly just been anxiety. I have a Mazda now.

The Hurt Locker is a pretty rad concept movie about guys in Iraq. Mostly it revolves around this dude Jim I think was his name. His job is to stop bombs from blowing up. Immediately I was all like "Lame this whole movie is gonna be about bombs NOT blowing up" but then a bomb blew up and I chilled down. I went with my friend Zach to this. So anyway Jim is kinda like a cowboy running around blowing up or not blowing up bombs without even a helmet on and then the rest of his friends are always saying things like "Jim you gotta slow down" or "you're not gonna live to see 30" and Jim says some crap back that make sense but I didn't really care for this dialogue. The movie gets better later when there is this super sweet shootout between Jim and his friends and then the other guys are like terrorists. I was really on the edge of my seat for this part and wished that I had some Jack and Coke like I did when I saw the Watchmen. That would have been a much better review cause I didn't understand one fucking thing cause all I read are car magazines and comics are too dorky for me and it's just a guy flying around who can do anything but afford pants. Plus if I could do anything the first thing would be to make my wang bigger. Not in a way that people were all like "Oh Mr. Manhattan just has a big wang cause he can do anything." I'd be more interested in making my wang big enough so that people had to question it. Like was I born with a big dong or did I purposely make it that way? I would make it 16 inches.



Basically the Hurt Locker is a super intense and pretty smart movie. It's the best war movie I've seen cause they didn't have any fake shit, all the explosions and gun fights and everything seems really real. Zach and me we had to go get beers later cause the movie was so intense. That to me is a good sign of a film being made with some thoughts about what the viewer will want to do afterwards.

Shooter

I was having trouble with my tummy so I went to the health food store to get some acidophilus but I bought some “Smooth Move” laxative tea and some psyllium husks while I was there, the psyllium husk is supposed to make big turds soft ones that don’t hurt you. Anyway I got home from the bar and I took them both at the same time cause I was trying to start over body-wise. I felt kinda cool the next day but I wasn’t pooping so I went and got some coffee and a bran muffin and then things started to happen. I like pooping at work cause it reminds me of my old roommate Owen cause he had a song in his band about pooping at work called “Paid to Poo.” When the boss ain’t lookin/you know what to do/go take a shit/get paid to poo…Anyway I was taking a dump and it was kinda of like hard at first but then I thought the smooth move kicked in and I was all like “Goodbye my fellow travelers!” and there were a lot of them! I felt really cool and after that I was walking around smiling and stuff but then I went to lunch and ate a salad with some eggs and immediately I had bad tummy pains and bloating so I went back to the bathroom and there was some dude in there so I was thinking all quietly like “Sorry buddy” and this time it was like soft serve but instead of the real kind it was all burny. It hurt a lot. This happened 4 more times before I got to the Paramount Lot to see Marky Mark killing dudes. I also noticed that I was the only white dude in the theater, the rest were black couples like 13 people but it seemed like it wasn’t on purpose. I thought maybe it was a Danny Glover fan club cause he’s in Shooter too. Shooter is about this sniper guy (Marky Mark) who gets set up by the Govt. to assassinate the president but it all goes wrong and he has to go on the run. He has a sweet ponytail at first when he lives in the mountains and a dog that gets beer out of the fridge! I was thinking that dog would be really cool around my place if I had a gun cause I could concentrate on my shooting and that dog would just keep bringing me cold Budweiser. Anyway a bunch of the story happens and he hooks up with this chick who was married to a dead friend of his from the army and I was getting super bummed out here cause nothing was blowing up and my tummy was hurting and all the black people looked bored too. Then it got cool. He meets up with this one FBI agent that doesn’t think he’s a bad guy and they go to Wal-Mart and buy a bunch of spray paint and bullets and gun powder and stuff to make pipe bombs and they go to find the bad guys. I liked the use of home made napalm when they were killing the bodyguards cause they blew in to the air and were simultaneously on fire and then when they fell down they were still burning and screaming and still on fire cause it sticks on your body! That was sweet! There is a good amount of times where someone gets shot in the head that I also enjoyed. After Marky Mark saves everything he goes back to kill the mastermind who is Ned Beatty. Ned Beatty should have told him about getting raped in that one movie cause I would forgive him here cause he looks even more like a pig now and if those same dudes were around they would want him naked around them.

****Spoiler Alert***

Ned Beatty says “Marky Mark, you can’t kill me I’m a Senator,” and then Marky Mark says “Exactly” and shoots him in the head. I’ve noticed a lot of Anti-American sentiment in film and art lately and it bums me out. This war is a bummer but even I know that, so stop having Marky Mark tell me about my feelings. I want to see a burned up dude and maybe a sweet tank run over some guys but just in the movies, in my real life I just want a friendly and real (not a robot kind) dog to bring beers over. Also I just thought of something. If any of my fellow movie critics want to refer to him as “Marksmen Mark” while reviewing this film feel free to do so. That one’s on me.

The Host

The Host is about this Korean guy who is really lazy and works in a snack shop at the beach. Somehow he managed to get laid one time cause he has a daughter. Anyway he’s drinking beer and watching his sister on the TV cause she’s in the Olympics or something. He gives his daughter some beer. I laughed at that part cause I’ve had Hite before so I know what that kid was going through. Anyway so this dude…. Actually now that I think of it he dresses just like the original “Dude” from Big Lebowski but the reason I’m calling this guy “Dude” is cause this movie is in Korean and I can’t remember any of the fucking names. They don’t sound the way it’s spelled on the subtitles. So the Korean dude is going down to the water to deliver some more beers and food when he sees this giant fucking Chudfish swimming towards the shore. Everyone starts throwing food at it cause it looks kinda funny. It’s not really funny all the time though cause it starts chomping dudes and whipping people with it’s tail and smashing shit. It’s kinda like a Godzilla but with a mutant fish body. It looks like a Coelacanth (pictured here)

I like how that kid is all like “You better hurry up and take my damn picture with this crazy ass fish!” It was pretty cool when the Chudfish was running around smashing dudes but it’s really hard to be scared of a CGI fish when there’s stuff in real life that kills people all the time like ball cancer or anus or wang cancer. That would fucking suck to only have one nard. So then the Chudfish grabs the dudes daughter and jumps into the sewer. I was thinking how lame cell phones are cause sometimes if you see a number and you don’t recognize it you’re all like “maybe it’s that cool chick who smoked me out at Steve’s house” but when you answer it’s always Household Bank saying you owe them money. But the cell phone here is a helper cause this chick is able to call from the sewer where she lives with all these dead people and poop and stuff. There’s this whole other crap part about a virus that the Chudfish carries and the Korean dude gets quarantined and has to escape to find his daughter. Less of this part would have been cool cause all they show the Chudfish doing whole time is spitting out dead dudes into his lair. I hate it in movies where they spend forever making a fucking monster and then he doesn’t even get to do anything that cool. It’s funny and exciting to see a giant mutant fish chase people on land. Fine you got me there, but if you want to hold my interest why not show the monster like ripping people in half with guts shooting out all over or really get in there when it’s eating some cool brains or maybe out of nowhere it just rapes a dude.
Just so you know the reason this all happened was cause these American scientists poured a bunch of formaldehyde in the water. So to destroy the Chudfish the U.S. army comes in at the end with this gas that’s supposed to kill everything. There’s some message about the U.S. being dumb for creating evil and getting rid of it with even more evil methods. I just realized that now cause the whole time I was watching the movie I was just hoping that fish would rape somebody.

Ghostrider

Ghostrider is based on the comic book that’s called Gostrider too. I had the first issue of Ghostrider when I was 13 on Marvel comics but I heard it was worth 30 dollars so I tried to sell it to this dude but he said it was #1 of Volume 2 and not the original. That sucked. This movie sucks too. Nicholas Cage really bums me out the way he talks and points at people all the time. Basically the story goes that he and his dad are these white trash motorcycle guys, but the dad gets cancer from cigarettes and so Nicholas Cage has to sell his soul to Peter Fonda. I wonder if Peter Fonda read this script and was all like “This movie sucks shit, have David Carradine do it” and then his agent was like “Dude they have motorcycles in the movie” and then Fonda was like “Fuck, ok”
Anyway after he sells his soul he is supposed to get this contract for the Devil but instead he just drives around fighting dudes and staring at them and pointing until they die. It’s not as cool as it sounds. One time when he’s on the bike he drives off a bridge and starts cruising on the water flipping off the cops. Again I’m totally making this sounds way cooler then it is. Sam Elliot from Roadhouse shows up and plays the same character he did in Roadhouse where he keeps referring to Nicholas Cage who is like a million as “Kid.” In Roadhouse he called Patrick Swayze “Mijo” the whole time which means the same thing in Mexican. Anyway staring and pointing is a stupid way to kill somebody and there are no boobs and the motorcycle riding is all CGI stuff. The monsters are fucking totally weak too. They’re supposed to be elements so there is a dirt guy and a water guy and a wind guy, but the wind and dirt guy are just the same swirling dirt shit whenever they go anywhere. Plus the way they die is such a bummer cause it’s like kicking a pile dirt. Like I can do that and it’s not fucking scary! Sometimes I think it would be really hard to make a movie cause you gotta know about cameras and angles and so I don’t understand why these guys that figured out all the hard stuff can’t make some cool guts squirt out anywhere? I put that image at the top cause if they made the movie about this guy and his friends kicking ass and terrorizing squares that would be really wicked. My roommate Matt was super bummed at Ghostrider and he likes comics a lot. We didn’t have any weed that day so I don’t know why we went in the first place.

300

The 300 is this new movie about old times where Leonidas, who is the
King of Sparta has this really hot wife and they rule Greece together.
The Spartan boys are trained at a very young age to not show any signs
of like "fear" or "emotion" but they still have long hair and muscles
so that they can score with chicks. Too bad the hottest chicks in
Sparta get sent off to these weird "mystics" who look like MumRa from
Thundercats. These super hot chicks become sex slaves for these gross
guys. That part kind of bummed me out. Anyway there's this one Persian
leader guy named Xerxes who is trying to take over the world back
then. I think he is gay, but back then they didn't call it that. They
just said that he liked jewelry and had a lot of parties. Anyway
everyone else in Greece pusses out cause they're philosophers or
boy-touchers, so the Spartans decide they're going to take on Xerxes.
Then Xerxes summons the largest army the world has ever seen. So
Leonidas hand picks 300 men to battle the Persians and they go to the
ocean to meet them. The water is really rough and there are these
really wicked rocks with boats crashing everywhere and thousands of
Persians are dieing and there is some seriously sweet guitars in this
part just fucking riffing as these dudes drown. But, they got like a
million more dudes so it's not that big a deal. The next day when
everyone wakes up the Persians give the Spartans one last chance to
surrender but they're like "No way" and they start fighting. This part
rules cause it's like 3 days of dudes just getting laid to waste and
there are cool monster guys and a big dude and a rhinoceros that looks
cool but doesn't kick that much ass. My favorite dude was this really
fat dude with swords for his hands. You could tell he was totally high
the whole time. Anyway I don't want to ruin it even though this is
sort of a true movie but the point is that 300 Spartans fought against
1 million other dudes. That's why Spartans rock hard.

Seraphim Falls

This movie is really sweet if you like Deadwood or any kind of old western movies. There are a lot of movies that are just about dudes shooting guns at each other. That is probably my favorite genre of movies besides Muscle Car. Seraphim Falls is set in post Civil War era United States of Kick Your Ass, back when dudes would shoot the shit out of you if you stole their horse. Pierce Brosnon did some fucked up shit back when he was a General for the Union so now he has to spend all day running away from Liam Nieson for like ever. The cinematography in Seraphim Falls is really amazing and makes me miss driving around Montana. This movie was shot in California. I’m really into the chasing parts and the thing that makes this movie so cool is how much running there is. I also got a total Spaghetti Western vibe from it too especially at the end where the two wounded and tired guys have their final showdown. This part only sucks cause Angelica Huston shows up for like a minute and sells them some bullets. That would never really happen so when I saw it in the theater I was like “Fuck this!” and this dude next to me explained that her character was more of a metaphor then anything else. It still bummed me out. The rest was super sweet.